What this book is about:

  • This is a book about the art of conversation
  • It has some case studies and lays some rules out on how to have good conversations

Notes

  • people love talking to people who let them come away feeling “a little smarter, funnier, more interesting”
  • people want to feel as if they have been heard and like they have some kind of bond with who they are talking

  • a goal for meaning for discussions is to have a “learning conversation”
    • learn how people around us see the world and help them understand out perspectives
  • to communicate with someone we must connect with them
  • absorb what someone is saying and comprehend what we say
  • when a good conversation happens brains align, bodies synchronize and neural simultaneity occurs
  • To become a supercomminiucator:
    • listen close to what is said and unsaid
    • ask right questions
    • recognize and match others moods
    • make our own feelings easy for others to perceive
  • Three types of conversations:
    • Decision Making - What’s this really about?
      • “within every conversation there is a quiet negotiation, where the prize is not winning, but rather determining what everyone wants, so that something meaningful can occur”
      • Simply ask “what do you want?”
      • ask lots of questions
      • “ask open-ended questions and listen closely. Get people talking about how they see the world and what they value most.”" You can at least inspire them to listen back, even if you don’t get the answers.
    • Emotional - How do we feel?
    • About Identity - Who we are?
  • Recognize what kind of conversation is occurring and match each other
  • when someone makes noises as they listen (“yeah”, “Uh-huh”, or laughing) it’s a sign they’re engaged. As well as follow up questions
  • ask open-ended questions. examples:
    • Ask about beliefs or values (“How’d you decide to become a teacher?”)
    • Ask someone to make a judgment (“Are you glad you went to law school?”)
    • Asking about someone’s experiences (“What was it like to visit Europe?”)
  • Talk about intimate things. When people discuss feelings/emotions, other people can’t help but listen to us
  • we become prone to “emotional contagion” when we hear each others deeply held beliefs or values
  • exposing ourselves to someone’s scrutiny engenders a sense of intimacy
  • Asking Questions -> Vulnerability -> Emotional Contagion -> Connection
  • slightly modify fact based questions to make them more emotional, eg: instead of “where do you live?”, “what do you like about where you live?”
  • Prove that you are listening. Demonstrate it after the speaker finishes talking. Repeat in their own words what we just heard them say.
  • be a more desirable partner for future collaboration

  • The Learning Conversation (Rules):
    1. Pay attention to what kind of conversation is occuring
      • specify goal(s) before the conversation
      • formulate what we hope to say and how to say it
    2. Share your goals, and ask what others are seeking
    3. Ask about others feelings, and share your own
    4. Explore if identities are important to the discussion

  • do you want to be Helped, Hugged or Heard ?

  • One thing I want to take away from this book is actions I can take to make a better conversation. An actionable item I can do is write down what I want to get out of a call or interview or meeting before it occurs. I can write down answers to questions like:
    • What are the specific topics I might discuss
    • One thing I hope to say
    • One question I will ask
  • just writing these down will help to make for a better conversation, even if I don’t actually use anything I’ve written down

I heard of this book through the EconTalk podcast and I kept hearing about it through other sources like this Tim Ferris instagram post, among other places. I read it over three days in August 2024 while traveling from New York to Denver.